A view from a not-perfect perspective

Last week, I partook in some wholesome family time.

I greeted the father of my son with a polite kiss on the cheek and

a “How was your day?”

I took his coat and invited him to sit at the table -- which was

already set -- and asked if he would like a cold drink after a hard

day’s work. He politely accepted half a glass of chardonnay and

thanked me when I brought it to the table.

When the aroma of baked Rosemary chicken was so thick it was

undeniably dinner time, we called our adoring 3-year-old to the

table.

“Don’t forget to wash your hands,” the father reminded his son.

We all sat happily at the table and ate our meal, which of course

included all four food groups. We talked about our days at work and

school, exciting new projects on the horizon and we adults reminisced

on our pleasant college days (both of us graduated from USC). Once

our son, Donovan, had excused himself to go in his room and color, we

even touched on the sticky subject of finances in a civil and mature

manner.

After we had cleared the table and I soaked my grimiest pans in a

spoonful of liquid soap, we gathered around the television for

Donovan’s current favorite G-rated flick: Lilo & Stich. The evening

was wonderful and our son enjoyed spending some quality time with

both his mom and dad. We bid each other goodnight and went to sleep

with smiles on our faces.

Sound like the perfect world? Not according to Daily Pilot family

columnist Steve Smith, who offered helpful and sound advise about

divorce, but at the same time took a, probably unintentional,

backhanded swipe at those who cannot stay married.

His column on Saturday focuses mostly on financial advise for

those going through a divorce, but it is in his supplemental comments

on the issue that he shows what I believe to be intolerance and

one-sidedness. He says divorce is only the result of parents who

“don’t take the time to sniff out any substance abuse, potential

violent tendencies or their future mates ability to manage finances.”

He also vilifies divorced families.

“In a perfect world, families would include a mom, dad and kids.

They would love each other and support each other and communicate

effectively.”

Fair enough. Who can argue with that? It is his next statement

that suggests that divorced or separated families are incapable of

achieving these virtues.

“But at least half the family world in America is far from

perfect,” Smith writes. “This half results in divorce, which despite

any evidence you’ve read to the contrary, is devastating to

children.”

Smith also asserts the “best option” is always reconciliation.

In my life, there is one thing (besides white heels, a strand of

pearls and a calendar from 1953) absent from Smith’s idyllic reality:

a marriage license. And it is thanks to the lack of that certificate

that my family (as imperfect as it may be) can truly enjoy a healthy

existence.

The father of my son and I get along better now than we ever did

when we lived together. Since our split, our son gets to spend time

with his parents in loving atmospheres, devoid of yelling, crying,

accusations and name-calling.

Of course my scenario may be considered even more unacceptable

than divorce to some because I never got married in the first place.

Not because I wasn’t asked, but simply because I refused to make a

lifelong commitment to a life of misery and hurt. We tried to make

things work. We lived together and got counseling, but the truth of

the matter is that we are better friends than partners.

And as friends, we are better parents to our son.

Victor Cota, who specializes in children’s mental health at the

county’s Children and Youth Services, said it is irresponsible to

make generalizations about the effects of divorce because blanket

statements cannot take into account the most important aspect of a

family: the people.

“It is really difficult to take a subjective situation and make it

objective,” Cota said. “Life just isn’t black and white. While there

may be generalities that serve as guidelines, all of us are different

and my circumstances are exclusive to me.”

Children need to feel they belong, Cota said, when that sense of

belonging breaks down, children are deeply affected. The breakdown

also is possible in families where parents stay married but are

constantly arguing, they are miserable or there is violence or abuse.

“Whether the parents are separated emotionally or physically,

there is a loss either way,” Cota said. “If the parents are together

but can’t stand each other it is a living nightmare and that lack of

belonging effects the children in a devastating way. The pain is

still very real to these children.”

In some cases in which there is a lack of empathy, love and

concern in the household, holding onto the marriage effects children

just as much or more than divorce.

“Morality aside in regard to divorce, we should focus more on what

is best for the children,” Cota said. “It is up to the adults to make

the best decision for their children and each situation is different.

If I tried to give one answer then it would take the human impact

away and make it just another number.”

It is a more rational view like Cota’s that I like to prescribe

to. It deals with reality and the changes and hurdles that life

throws at you without warning. And yes, in a perfect world we would

love to have a super sniffer that could detect potential violence,

drug use or financial irresponsibility, but life is not perfect and

neither are people.

I disagree with Smith’s insinuation that those who cannot force

themselves to reconcile are somehow at fault or are too lazy or

selfish. Quite the contrary. I know in my case, I would have a much

easier time paying rent, student loans, car payment and day-care had

I gotten married. I wouldn’t even be writing this column right now:

I’d be shopping, while my husband was off at work closing some major

business deals.

But I would be miserable and more importantly, Donovan would not

have a good example of a nurturing household. And beyond that,

neither his father, nor I, would have snapped out of our damaging

habits and would not have grown to our full potential as parents and

individuals.

I am not asking for accolades because I chose the hard way. Nor do

I begrudge those who have found their soul mates and live their lives

according to Smith’s model of perfection. I only ask that people like

Smith not judge those who were not fortunate enough to make all the

right decisions the first time around.

Life is not about the mistakes you make, but what you learn from

those mistakes and how you use those lessons to better your life, and

the lives of those you love. For some, staying in an unhealthy

marriage is a mistake.

I admit to making more than a few bad choices in my life, but I

wouldn’t trade them for anything because they made me who I am. And

that woman was strong enough to walk away from a destructive

relationship for the best of all involved.

Smith says he does not like to think of divorce “because [he]

conjures up images of sad kids.” Well, mine is one situation in which

he can envision that possibility without worrying about the emotional

state of the child.

The ramifications of my decisions may bring some challenges to

Donovan’s life but those trials will teach him lessons that will also

mold his character and enrich his existence. And I will be a proud,

loving and involved parent regardless of whether there is a diamond

on my finger or not.

* LOLITA HARPER writes columns Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays

and may be reached at (949) 574-4275 or by e-mail at

[email protected].