Carnitas at the trough

REPORTER’S NOTEBOOK

It was a mother’s table manners nightmare. The OC Taco House held

it’s annual Cinco de Mayo contest to see who can eat the Grande

Mania, a three-pound shredded pork, beef or chicken burrito as fast

as possible.

My editor challenged me to enter the contest so I might offer

readers an inside look. Having accepted, I went with carnitas because

an employee tipped me off about chicken being too chewy.

First, second and third-place winners would be awarded Dodger

tickets, a round of golf or a dinner cruise. Everyone would receive a

tummy ache for participating.

I saw four or five of the contestants, all with foreboding

physical presences, waiting to devour their burritos. But I knew I

had a chance. I was hungry, I had only a light breakfast six hours

prior, and it’s not all about bulk, which I lack. Seven-time winner

Lorrie Roberts is a petite woman, whose fastest time is one minute

and 20 seconds.

If a 120-pound woman eats a three-pound burrito in 80 seconds, how

long, on average, does it take for her to consume one pound of food?

Imagine how smart children would be if their math books were filled

with word problems derived from such absurdities.

The disc jockey and a crowd of 40 incredulous spectators increased

the excitement and anticipation.

I remained ambivalent about my plan.

My stomach and I are on fairly good terms. Was I really going to

do this? In the evening after a large meal, she often rumbles and

squeaks melodically as I lie in bed reading. I wondered now how she

would react to the flood of lard.

“I think I can do this, but I don’t know what’s going to happen

after it,” said Marc Latimer, 41, a fellow contestant with a common

concern.

And -- go!

As I finished my first bite, I glanced across at a long-haired Jim

Myers, 23, and his unkempt beard. Myers tore into his burrito and

thereby revealed not only an abyss of refried beans, but also the

very animal within.

His primordial exhibition triggered a bestial attack of my own.

I bit off more than I could chew, and had to swallow. I sucked the

warm ingredients down my esophagus into my apprehensive belly.

After nearly gagging, I realized Dodger stadium is too far away,

that I am a hack on the links and I prefer sailing. I waved my napkin

meekly and surrendered.

The fire hose of a burrito that required two plates was hardly

dented, and currently resides in my refrigerator. I spent the rest of

the time in a state of perverted awe and amusement watching the

competitors.

At one point, late in the short competition, I was sure Myers was

going to puke all over the young girls who sat unaware in front of

his table. I was already ruminating on the psychological scarring the

poor girls would endure, but Myers persevered and took third with a

grueling time of five minutes and 35 seconds.

Matt Ellis, 14, and his father Bill Ellis, 41 stole the show,

placing first and second, with times of two minutes and 10 seconds

and three minutes and 15 seconds respectively. Matt plans to play

freshman football at Westminster next season.

That’s right, an eighth-grader scarfed a burrito about as fast as

most people brush their teeth.

The Grande Mania is waiting for any of you who desire to start

preparing for next year. If you have a hollow leg or a tapeworm, you

can’t compete.