COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

Yes, it’s true. It is, once again, the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas, Hanukkah, the holidays, you pick.

We should always remember, this year more than ever, that Christmas isn’t about parties and trees and lights. It’s about presents, stuff, swag, bling.

Finding just the right gift for the right person is a tricky business. It can cause stress, hypertension, hair loss, dizziness, nausea, elevated cholesterol, kidney failure, incontinence, dementia, disassociative identity disorder, death and, in certain cases, serious problems.

Should you be worried? Whaddunutz? Is the Pope Italian? Of course not. We are here for you, as always, with yet another edition of the Official Certified Peter B. 2008 Holiday Gift Guide. The Peter B. Gift Guide is the only one you’ll ever need. Read it. Carry it. Never go near Neiman’s without it. Pay attention. This is important.

Remember, it’s the thought that counts, but it’s the price that matters. The holidays are about caring, sharing and causing major financial damage to yourself. When you hear people say, “Give ’til it hurts,” they’re talking about the holidays.

If Christmas doesn’t hurt until May, late April at least, you’re doing it wrong. How much should you spend? It’s a simple formula: If you can afford something, it’s not the right gift. But let’s be sensible. Economic conditions being what they are, Christmas this year comes down to two words: control and restraint.

In these uncertain times, conserving your cash is critical. That means charge everything, with every card, to the limit. If you have accounts with a cash advance, pull that out too. There’s no sense leaving that money there until you need the experimental surgery or they’re foreclosing on your house only to have to pay the transaction fee again.

Yes, the incredible, perfect angel in your life may deserve the $37,000 Hermes crocodile Birkin bag with the palladium hardware. That is not the issue.

Until the credit crunch is over and we see if there are any car companies left and what the Senate seat from Illinois goes for, the Shimmer evening bag from Judith Leiber for $2,695 may be the best you can do.

Seriously though, don’t worry about how much you’re spending. With a few more half-trillion dollar bailouts from Washington, every American man, woman and child should be covered one way or another before they’re done.

But if you really are on a budget and have someone on your list that is either not all there or heavily medicated or both, once again, Seattle’s “Archie McPhee” is the mother lode.

I never go to or near Seattle without a quick visit, and you can find their complete catalog online at www.mcphee.com.

You can’t really describe Archie McPhee’s, but think of it as a department store for every cheap, tasteless novelty item you have ever seen or heard of and many you haven’t, all at very reasonable prices. It’s where I found my first set of plastic glow-in-the-dark alien babies, and if there is another store that carries an Edgar Allan Poe action figure ($8.95) or a Marie Antoinette doll with the special ejector head ($8.95) I am not aware of it.

They have a number of new items this year, just in time for the holidays, including what may be the single most fabulous gift idea I have ever heard, and I’m old. Ready? An inflatable fruitcake. If it’s anywhere near as good as the product description, I’m ordering a case. “It’s festive, traditional and inedible…just like the real thing. A great centerpiece for your holiday dinner table.”

Also, check out the “Squirrel Underpants” — real briefs, but with a 3-inch waistband ($6.50): “Are you sick and tired of squirrels running naked in the trees around your house? Each pair of tiny briefs has a 3” waist and is made of 100% cotton. Also good for hamsters, frogs and gerbils.”

I would also take a hard look at the soft latex vulture ($19.95): “This 17” tall soft latex vulture is extremely realistic and looks eager for you to die.” Or, the “Hindu Finger Puppets” ($4.95 for set of eight): “Turn your fingers into powerful Hindu gods with these Handy Hindu Finger Puppets. Hear me on this, Cratchit, if you shop for that very special someone at Archie McPhee’s, it will be a Christmas they will remember for a long, long time.

Finally, if all else fails, try this: Find a small place with a big fireplace, crank up a jazz Christmas CD, Harry Connick or Tony Bennett will do just fine, and don’t come out until Jan. 2. It’s easier. Don’t panic, stay calm, you’ll get through this. Although I do think you’re making a huge mistake if you pass on the inflatable fruitcake.

I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].