Visions of TV Sugarplums Dance in His Head--Again

‘Tis the season to be giving.

So in the spirit of things, my gift to the TV industry is another batch of suggestions for series. By my count, I have already offered through this column 846 visionary ideas for can’t-miss shows--including “Miami Mice,” “Crazy Like a Lox” and “Vanna White and the Seven Schwartzes”--none of which has been used. Even a person of my generosity can’t keep this up forever.

--”The Toms of Their Lives”: News. A different world leader interviews NBC anchor Tom Brokaw each week. Pope John Paul II starts things off by getting Tom to reveal that he tells his wife everything about his job. “Everything?” the Pope repeats, knowingly. Tom hesitates. “Everything.”

Later, Tom tells Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev that he occasionally felt upstaged while moderating NBC’s televised debates featuring Democratic and Republican candidates for President, but that he didn’t hold the candidates personally responsible. “I don’t honestly believe there was any intent to overshadow me,” he tells a relieved Gorbachev.

In a later interview with British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, Tom proves that he can dish it out as well as take it when he accuses her of carrying a pocketbook to divert attention from his hair.

--”Ninetysomething”: Socially significant drama. Chic upwardly mobile senior citizens charm us with their introspection and confusion while wearing great clothes.

It’s about Abe and Selma, Murray and Bea, Abe’s cousin Rowena, Selma’s friend Hazel and retired Dr. Sid Fluggelman, the bachelor. It’s about wanting children, having children and sometimes being children. It’s about birthdays, triumphs, illness, gossip and all the seemingly random moments in life that somehow add up to deep emotion when you’re in your 90s.

--”The Demographic Man”: Science fiction/adventure/drama. A black/Asian/Latino/white/Serbo- Croatian/Jewish/Arab/Hawaiian/Native American female policeman becomes an elite one-person undercover squad assigned to the crimes that no one else can even think of, yet alone solve. May face casting problems.

--”Mr. Roberts’ Neighborhood”: For children. Wearing a sweater and sneakers, evangelist Oral Roberts hosts this half-hour from his prayer tower, instructing children on the morality of giving. On the premiere, he tearfully tells them that unless they send him money, the Lord will reassign him to another neighborhood.

Available in toy stores, in conjunction with this series, are Mr. Roberts’ Magic Fingers, interactive toys that children can use to heal the afflicted. They also can be purchased for a special one-time-only reduced price of $49.95 by sending cash, checks or money orders directly to Mr. Roberts, who also accepts credit cards.

--”Hartaches”: Science fiction/political comedy. Gary Hart must invent a cover story to convince the media that he is still a viable presidential candidate when he awakens one morning and makes a shocking discovery. By some strange quirk of fate, he now has attached to his body the gorgeous legs of “Entertainment Tonight” host Mary Hart instead of his own.

The high-jinks really start when Mary discovers while taping her show that she now has Gary’s legs.

--”Nancy”: Animated. A weekly version of the old “Nancy” cartoon strip, but set in the White House. Nancy becomes First Lady to President Sluggo and assumes control when he neglects the affairs of state because of his obsession with starting a worm farm.

--”Kiss Me, Kate & Allie”: Comedy. Petruchio moves into Kate and Allie’s New York brownstone and tries to tame these stubborn and self-willed beauties.

A sample from an episode in which Kate and Allie have Petruchio in for brunch. Petruchio: “Be merry, Kate and Allie. Come, sit down. I know you have a stomach. Will you give thanks, sweet Kate and Allie, or else shall I? What’s this? Mutton?”

--”Presidential Debates, Chapter XXII”: News. Running out of things to say to each other, the GOP and Democratic presidential candidates each week debate Blair, Jo, Natalie and Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

--”Reels and Heels”: Adventure/drama. A fisherman and shoemaker decide to open a private eye agency, then change their minds.

--The Glasnost Package:

1. “Mr. Red”: Comedy. A contemporary version of the old Alan Young comedy about a talking horse. Only this time Wilbur is shocked when his baritone equine pal turns out to be a committed Marxist.

Sample dialogue. Mr. Red: “C’mon, let’s go, Wilbur.” Wilbur: “You’re on the bottom.” Mr. Red: “Capitalist pig.”

2. “Comrade Clothes Horse”: Daytime. New friends Raisa Gorbachev and Tammy Bakker show off their wardrobes. On the premiere, Raisa explains to Tammy why wearing three different fur coats a day is acceptable in a Marxist context and Tammy shows Raisa how to apply makeup. The fun really starts when hubbies Mikhail and Jim pay a surprise visit and don aprons for the cooking segment.

3. “Wheel of Lenin”: Game show. Pat Sajak and Vanna White host proletariat contestants who spin the wheel and then try to supply the missing letters in such common Leninist sayings as: “The proletariat must carry to completion the democratic revolution by allying to itself the mass of the peasantry in order to crush by force the resistance of the autocracy and to paralyze the instability of the bourgeoisie.”

As a bonus, Vanna learns the Cyrillic alphabet.

4. “Gorbo and Gordo”: News. Gorbachev and G. Gordon Liddy go head to head in weekly debates.

5. “Comrade Hussy”: News. Raisa and Nancy Reagan go head to head in weekly debates.