CHARGER REVIEW : REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Final Result Rhymes with Ross

D. QUARTERBACKS

No more hot dogs at halftime for Stan Humphries until he can run faster than 300-pound defenders, or at least that new Padres mascot. Two interceptions could very well have been four. This is Billy Joe Tolliver all over again.

A. RUNNING BACKS

If Chargers lose Ronnie Harmon they have to cancel postseason highlight film party. Chargers now have 13 dropped passes in two games and they won’t throw to Rod Bernstine. Hello, is anybody home?

F. RECEIVERS

News flash: Ref announced Anthony Miller had been penalized for illegal use of hands. He’s got hands? If Deion Sanders can play football and baseball at same time, why can’t Darnay Scott play for both Aztecs and Chargers?

F. OFFENSIVE LINE

Eight Minnesota housewives ruled in favor of the players suggesting free agency is too restrictive. Would they have felt the same way if these lugs demanded free agency so they could play for Vikings?

D. DEFENSIVE LINE

Who needs Desmond Howard? Chargers got Chris Mims. Local fans in uproar recently because they are afraid Bronco offensive line can’t protect Elway, but they feel a whole lot better now after game with Chargers.

B. LINEBACKERS

“Memoirs of an Invisible Man:” Gaston Green’s account of his repeated attempts to run the football against Junior Seau and Gary Plummer. How badly do you think Bronco fans want Eric Bieniemy?

D. DEFENSIVE BACKS

Donald Frank thanks Elway for his thoughtfulness in providing limo service to ensure his arrival, but he caught the bus. Unfortunately, so did Gill Byrd and Floyd Fields.

F. SPECIAL TEAMS

Forget it. Time for XTRA’s Chet Forte to climb a billboard, like that Denver disc jockey did a few years ago, and promise to stay there until Chargers win or snow falls. It’s not like it’s impossible--it could snow, you know.

F. COACHING

Boss Ross and another loss, more mistakes, and what about that attention to detail? Dan Reeves passed out T-shirts to players that read: “Jump on top. Stay on Top.” Ross’ T-shirts will arrive soon and read: “What did I get myself into?”