Raise a Toast to Victory, Knox Style

What we have here is the proverbial half-filled, half-empty glass of Evian, chilled, with an Anaheim Stadium Club twist of lemon.

Did the Rams just end an 11-game losing streak, one loss shy of the franchise record?

Or did the New England Patriots end it for them?

Is a 14-0 victory over a team led at quarterback by a former Ram benchwarmer, who played more than three quarters with a second-degree shoulder separation, something the Rams should be proud of?

Or are the Rams still incapable of beating any team not caught between natural disasters?

Is the Ram defense really that good?

Is the Ram offense really that bad?

And are the newly .500 Rams (1-1, along with the 49ers, Saints and Falcons) actually tied for first place in the NFC West?

Or are they tied for last?

It all depends on your perspective, as Sunday afternoon’s 4,597 no-shows were saying as they gleefully flung Frisbees, frolicked in the waves, sipped Chardonnay and toasted their good sense in staying away, staying far away, and finally spending some quality time with family and friends for a change.

In 83-degree weather, under crystal blue skies, with nary a drop of dew on the grass, the Rams and the Patriots slogged their way through a Mud Bowl, slipping, sliding, dropping footballs, shanking field goals and taking a 0-0 tie into the 40th minute.

Tony Zendejas, whose very un-Ramlike 1991 season included 17 successes in 17 field-goal attempts, went 0 for 3 Sunday, missing wide right from 47, 39 and 25 yards--christening himself, at last, as a fully vested Ram.

Jim Everett, already baptized, misfired high, low and wide on 12 of 22 passes, netting only 130 yards through the air--or 30 less than he managed in last week’s happy-feet attack in Buffalo.

Jeff Chadwick, the sure-handed “possession” receiver brought down the coast from Seattle along with Chuck Knox, lost possession of his hand-eye-foot coordination on a wide-open streak pattern down the left sideline, backpedaling on the ball like Junior Felix, stumbling and letting a sure touchdown slip through his fingers.

So dysfunctional was the Rams’ offense that Henry Ellard’s pass-catching streak was snuffed at 81 games for the lack of a single catchable pass launched into his general vicinity.

For the record, Everett threw two balls in Ellard’s direction. Both were overthrown so badly--the second by a good 10 yards--that Everett drew boos both times.

And really couldn’t argue.

“Believe me, I know the feeling of our fans,” Everett said. “As frustrating as it is for them, it’s just as frustrating for us. . . . We were doing things so badly in the first half.”

Fortunately for the Rams, they found their match in the Patriots.

The Rams hadn’t shut out anyone since October, 1988.

Here come the Patriots.

The Rams hadn’t beaten anyone since October, 1991.

Here come the Patriots.

The Rams sacked a total of 17 quarterbacks in 16 games last season.

Here come the Patriots, who yielded seven sacks in four quarters, including three to Kevin Greene.

Not that this was entirely the Patriots’ doing. Their quarterback, Hugh Millen, has never been confused with Everett--once upon a time, he backed up Everett--and he had to play 3 1/2 quarters Sunday with a separated left shoulder.

Millen throws with the right one, but either way, spotting a receiver on a crossing pattern can be difficult duty while wincing through tears.

And New England received no breaks from Mother Nature, again, for the second consecutive week.

Last Sunday, the Patriots were forced to reschedule their season opener against Miami because of Hurricane Andrew.

This Sunday, the Patriots were forced to come out and play because Hurricane Iniki stopped just this side of Hawaii.

So the Patriots had excuses.

What about the Rams?

“It’s a win ,” Everett exclaimed. “No matter how ugly a performance it was by our offense, a win is a win is a win. I haven’t felt one of those in a long, long time.

“When was the last one? San Diego? Was it San Diego? (Yes it was--Oct. 13, 1991, 48 weeks ago.) And our last shutout? I can’t remember the last time we did that.”

Everett wanted to talk about that shutout, being a half-filled glass man himself.

“Our defense stepped up and hit a home run,” Everett said. “Our defense played so good, I was just trying to stay away from making the big mistake.

“Hopefully, we’ll be able to come back with a home run on a day the defense needs one.”

Actually, Everett thought he had one early in the fourth quarter, with Chadwick isolated deep down the left sideline, with no Patriot within five yards.

Everett threw the ball deep and high--so high that Chadwick had too much time to think about it. “I should have kept running,” Chadwick said, “but I turned on it, and turned the wrong way.”

Soon, Chadwick was going back, back, back . . . all the way back to an off-the-fingertips incompletion.

“One of their linebackers, I’m not sure who, said to me, ‘Boy, he was pretty wide-open,’ ” Everett said. “And I said, ‘Uhhh-huh.’ Jeff just misjudged it. That’s a catch he probably makes 99 times out of 100.”

Everett grinned.

“I’m sure Rotisserie fans were as displeased about it as I was.”

After that, Everett got a second short touchdown run from Cleveland Gary and was then only too pleased to follow Knox’s sideline instructions: Sit on that lead.

“I played very conservatively,” Everett said. “As an entire offensive unit, we were very conservative. By the end of the game, we were using three tight ends.”

14-0.

Winning football, Chuck Knox style.

Now that he’s seen it, up close, for the first time, what did Everett think of it?

“If that’s what it takes to win,” he said, 0 for 11 no more, “I like it a lot.”